Missing out on smiles and tears

I guess not many people understand the stress a new mother goes through esp when she has to balance both work and baby.

There is this instinct that is programmed in our dna of dropping everything and caring for the baby and then there is this instinct where one wants to have a good career as well - make great movies and leave that with you for legacy.

Yesterday was one such day! I had a fight with Zain when you were in my arms over some casting. Now with half a decade of working together I guess we mince no words in putting each other down. On one hand I like the challenge of his company on the other hand I hate the negativity it brings. And the energy it saps. One has to choose day to day battles. So I give up on edit of things I shot when you were born coz I cannot apply myself for more than 2 hours. I give up on perfection of ego advertisements. But I don't give up on movies coz I feel they are my legacy to you.
I don't know one day you might come running to me crying and say mummy your movies are not worth it for me and I will drop them all too. I love you so so much. Your every tear hurts the deepest of my heart and your every smile brightens up my skies.

For now I want to carry you everywhere with me- in my arms -to script discussions, to my sets, to edits. I want to collaborate with people whom I can bank on, to delegate to successfully. I dont want to miss out on you.

I want to be bankable and patient too. I want to Smile more, be happy longer. I want to give you my childhood. I was taking to a nanny and told her - you have to talk softly to the baby and smile a lot around her. And then I tell her but I like to give her bath and carry her so you carry her only when I tell u to. I guess that's a dichotomy that you start facing when u become a mom.