Alone At A Night Out

Dear Yooki,

I dont remember the last time I went out alone - and not felt the rope that tied me to my home - its not just you who I worry about during nights but before you there was juno and before juno there was saurabh and maybe before that my mother's worries of my safety and even before and also all along that sense of not working and wasting time and all that weighed on me and made my night escapades ridden with phone calls and worries.

I clicked this picture of mine last month. I was going for a movie invite, a movie I knew I won't be seeing till the end as by 11 I had to be back home else you won't sleep. The ideal time of being back home is 10 but that night we made it 11 to give me a breather as I was going far away.

And for a brief moment, it was drizzling and I was listening to music and I was stuck waiting in an intense traffic jam when I saw a red light flashing on my face.

I stole a brief moment and took this selfie and for a second, I was surprised at my own gaze shifting back at me, it was me with years of life showing on my face, for the first time I noticed the hardening of a face I once used to recognize as the face of a young fidgety girl. For a second I felt I was alone in that car on that rainy night - absolutely alone. The rope had vanished only so briefly as I tried to reclaim myself for myself completely.

And strangely so - it was a beautiful moment, I even felt tipsy or high or experienced extreme romanticism in this absolute solitude. I felt as if in that moment I was noting down a checkpoint of my life graph. Absorbing the long pending realization of my own age, maturity and responsibilities.

What more, for years these quiet moments have only evoked existential angsts or mundane worries but for once this moment alone filled me only with absolute love. And hence I preserve this here. I share it with you, in the hope that one day, while you would be fighting your battles (they never end do they?) and spent nights struggling with your own inner dragons apart from worldly ones, you might find a moment when you would come face to face with yourself - and find great peace with the life that you are carving out for yourself.
And maybe one day, when the maps on your face will be visible, even in absolute solitude, you will find a certain immeasurable warmth - of your own tender company.

Love,
Mom